“Being alone with your feelings is worst because you have nowhere to run . They are here dancing in your mind and all you can do is handle” .
Loneliness, it’s a feeling one can only understand when it’s the end of the day and you have a bunch of things in mind to talk about but you look around and there is no one to talk about it . And by not being anyone around I doesn’t mean an empty room , it can be even in a room full of people yet you don’t know a single person in a way you can share what’s going on your mind and what’s bothering you . You just have to keep that yourself and do the normal things and participate in activities happening around you without giving others a hint of the on-going storm in your mind . That right there feeling is loneliness .
I often feel that feeling of loneliness infact being an introvert it is all even worse for me . There are many days when things often bother me or just don’t feel right and yet I just keep all that to myself and go to bed late hours thinking about them without even realising when I felt asleep . Yeah, that happens alot .
Infact, there are several nights when I can’t fall asleep as these things keep troubling me . Well if being completely honest I don’t think I have anyone to talk about the storms in my mind . My parents think me as their son who will make them proud someday soon by joining some specific government job as they have shortlisted for me . I know they want all this for my best interest but I don’t want that regular job where you just sit around from 8 am to 5 pm and get paid a handful amount at the month . They time to time try to convince me into getting one of the shortlisted jobs after my graduation but I don’t think I want any of those . Not because I don’t like money or anything, it’s just I want something more from my life rather than just spending whole life paying bills and doing normal shit people do . I wanna travel the world , visit different places and have all kinds of food 😉 . Yeah I’m a foodie 😀 . And that defines the closest relationship I have with my parents .
Now friends, as I mentioned above I’m an introvert so I don’t have much friends . A bunch of college friends and few school friends . I suck at maintaining relationships to be honest . I’m lucky to have those few friends as even after I don’t call them or text them for weeks, they are still there whenever I needed them . Few among them are closest who knew about my bad habits as they are also involved in them and in that list few friends there are more selective people who knew about my problems and issues that I face time to time though there are certain matters which none of them knew and those are the matters that brings storms into my mind . Also I do have an online friend who helps me to be on track by regularly advising me on certain aspects of life but even she don’t know much about me .
And finally comes relationships , not had many of those . Infact just one if counting the feeling involved . That was more like an off and on thing for 5 years . Started when I was in 11th standard and ended in second year of my college and yeah I dropped one year after 12 if you’re doing the math . Anyways after a long fight and asking each other to go to hell we decided to shut that for permanently . Doing that was supposed to be good for both of us but rather resulted in months of depression for me . I’m not sure about how she took that as she seemed absolutely fine while we were ending that relationship and maybe because there was this guy about whom I don’t have any freakin’ clue except knowing that there is some guy . After this I thought I needed a break and get myself together so never tried to run into another relationship .
Anyways and this is how things are in my life . Have many people around me yet no one to talk to . There are certain issues that bother me from time to time . Some of them are family issues and not about the job, these are personal and some are created by me . I know I’m stupid who in any universe creates problem for themselves , well I do .
And anyway after all this time I finally decided to write about all this while only one thought running in mind that this might help me to get over them . I have seen in movies and shows and also have read somewhere on the internet that talking about things that bothers someone help . Well I can’t do that as I don’t think I have someone that close to me . So here I’m trying to escape that feeling . I’m not sure that it will help or not but what could it hurt giving it a try . And I know I haven’t even mentioned the things or storms that I keep telling from the beginning of this post bothers me but it feels good to write things even the smaller one like about my dreams or anything . And I know that I can’t forever hide behind this keyboard as eventually one has to face his/her demons in order to get free . I’ll do someday sure just not today !